inside her notes app

Sometimes I want to tell people all the things I have been healing from in the past few years but then I remember I am not the main character and these battles I fought were supposed to be silent for a reason. I am so so proud of myself for handling things better and better. I saw him a few months ago for the first time after the frosting. My mind was okay but my body was shaking. Interesting to say at least. The "ireland" wound I have in my heart hurt this month for the first time in so long. It took me by surprise. Like... will it ever stop? Or will I... get used to it? I keep looking at wedding and baby pictures and I miss my future family so so much. I wonder if I have met husband already. Is it him? Do my kids think I was cool in my 20s? I keep thinking I might actually be the luckiest person alive.

am i a bad friend? he's walking the streets i used to walk and it's making me feel so uneasy. i have my own room for the first time ever, i love it so much. i wonder what cowboy no.1 would think about it. i'd love to spill all the first week of college tea to him. i have no one else to tell it to.  how did i go from feeling so loved to feeling like I'm the only person i can trust? next week it'll be 9 months.

he's such a baby he added me on snapchat, it ' s not a big deal i would never do that to any girl again her name is betty it was my biggest lesson it ' s his problem that he has a girlfriend, not yours i am a girl's girl it's just a dream nothing else chicks before dicks gimme a kiss we ' re just texting you're such a bad liar he's not gonna break up with her why should he? so you're as free as a bird? we didn't do anything last night tell me this isn't the best craic you ever had the customers will love it fuck the customers i love it i'm not a slut go to sleep we ' re up early i would never send anything like that jeez i ' d love to see where that came from he's only using you, you know that? and what if I'm using him too? ~ it´s exotic! no, it´s fucking toothpaste

V hlavě pořád všechny ty Bludy Cos mi navykládal A na stehně Otisk tvejch zubů Proč si vždycky myslím Že to tentokrát bude Jiný Proč se vždycky snažím Seč mi síly stačí Když to vždycky skončí Tady - delivered 2 days ago 26/12/23

  afterwards i was so content? almost as if my life well-  not just my life but the whole earth stopped spinning for a while everything was put on hold nothing mattered it was just me and him - the centre of the whole world - me and him and the silly little thing that we did and i almost wanted to laugh i dreamed of this for   s o   l o n g  i was desperate i would sell my soul and almost exactly when i stopped wanting it when i moved on when life started feeling good again free of all those feelings  i couldn't   didn't want to  talk about this happened - isn't life funny?   06/07/23

Time flies. It's almost been 3 months since I said goodbye see ya later to you and there hasn’t been a day I haven’t thought about it since. I still sometimes go check the flights, I still check the stupid snapchat map and browse the streets, I look at the photos hung on my wall every single day wishing I got at least a few more days, weeks, months, years. I don’t think I've ever felt like this before. I know heartbreak, I know what it feels like to feel helpless, I've been so sad that I didn't even know if I'm physically capable of feeling happy ever again. And this is the most delicate mix of all these, specifically blended just for me and this reality I'm living now. This is my story, nobody else's, and I love it and hate it at the same time.  In fact, I loved and hated you too, and I'm not ashamed to admit it. It was not all sunshine and unicorns, it was literally pissing rain most of the time, but the rainbows and rare glimpses of the sun were so w...