emails i can't send #1 (18/08/24)

hi,

ehm. i don't know if you know me. maybe you've seen me on his bereal. maybe you've seen my name pop up on his screen, even though i tried not to snap that often when i knew he was with you. i only sent photos of my dog, a tree, or my shoes. i don't know if he ever talked about me — probably not.

i saw you once when he came to work with you to get dinner. it was probably about six months ago, but i still remember you got a chicken fillet burger. i don't know why i remember that, and i don't know why i thought to myself, "she won't finish it." something about you just seemed like you're the type not to finish your food in restaurants. no offense.

i didn't know it at the time, but i had a weird feeling in my stomach when i saw you two together. i didn't think much of it. now i know those were the feelings i was starting to develop for him, hidden deep inside me. i definitely didn't find him attractive right away. when i first started, i didn’t look twice at him. i didn’t even remember his name for a couple of weeks. but then we started working on the counter together... and that’s when things started to change.

see, i know it wouldn’t mean much if i said i’m sorry — but i am. not that i did it, but i’d be sorry if you ever found out. i don’t want this to break you the way i know it would break me.

i want you to know he loves you. he loves you so, so much, and he would do anything for you.

i don’t know if this makes it any better, but it was never that deep. it was a distraction. it was pure lust. it was me being toxic to myself over and over again.

edit, much much later

hi again. 

so... now you know who i am. turns out he loved you so much that he decided to tell you. i admire his bravery — i would never have the courage. i see why you were angry and why you did what you did. i don’t think he deserved it, though. i guess you do you, girl.

you saw the wish i sent him, didn’t you? i thought so. fyi, we stopped just after his birthday, i swear. he stopped.

yeah... i’m aware his birthday is in october and i left in may. did he not tell you—

oh.

he’s just a boy. he was then, and he still is now. you know that, right?

you have every right to hate me. i fully understand, and i won’t try to clear my name here. i’m a bitch and he’s a cheater, and together we hurt you in a way i can’t imagine.

do you know what he’s up to? will it bother you that i sort of do? this has nothing to do with you, i know, but... i still tend to be toxic to myself sometimes, and that’s why i reached out and added him again. after eight months. stupid asshole. i’ll stop here because i don’t want to hurt you again. i kinda want to brag, but— jeez, stop, there’s really nothing to brag about.

now i can say i’m sorry, because i really am. would i do it again? oh...

absolutely.